Ever since the tent incident I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of "on-demand" pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of wich still continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just couldn't get the same level of pleasure.
I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The "friend" from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desireing all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desireing the fantasies.
From 12 years old to 20 I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15 the "friend" finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.
So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago... but I'll have to write that tomorrow - Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.
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