Sexaholism...Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I'll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of "on-demand" pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of wich still continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just couldn't get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The "friend" from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desireing all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desireing the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20 I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15 the "friend" finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago... but I'll have to write that tomorrow - Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

In the beginning -there was sex and more

So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due mechanical issues on the train ahead of us - I'll write something. I'm writing this from my phone and so expect some gramar and spelling issues.

Following up on yesterday's post I want to go deeper into the why behind the first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?

I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless sex simply wasn't talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational "sex education" as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturaly ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.

Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God's small voice and the fact that it didn't feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me and all of so much more than just someone's personal pleasure servant.

Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my "friends", I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance.

The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This "friend" would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.

Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened - he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he "invited" me to a lakefront cabin.

Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God's presence... This is the significant difference that I now am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It would take over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.