Test2

Testing the new phone

Fwd:

Test1

Parenting

Yesterday Alexis posted on her facebook status a parenting question, one that was really more rhetorical in nature than advice seeking, nonetheless people chimed in. The question centered around, how much do we keep telling Emma that pulling on either of our cat's tails is a "no no"?

Now, the deal is both of our cats are really very patient with Emma and as of yet she has not been scratched, but yesterday the cat who we have never heard hiss (aka, Janek the nice one) actually hissed at Emma after she once again yanked his tail. The other cat hisses all the time, and scratches adults commonly, yet hasn't scratched Emma yet.

So, wer'e at this point of knowing the inevitable, Emma's going to get scratched at some point, even though we're watching her constantly, it's really a fact of nature that if you harrass an animal for too long, even the most kindest of animals, will get annoyed at some point. Where is the point where you let a child learn the "natural" consequences? I think it's at the point where Emma is, where she knows what NO means. But she doesn't quite see the "why" behind it. Of course we'll prevent it as much as possible, we're not to put her and the cats together and wait for her to get scratched. We do know at some point though, it will happen.

So, we'll continue to say no, and we'll continue to tell the cats no as well when they hiss or bat at people. Since we know that the life God has called us to involves all kinds of environments out side of our control (mainly life) we'll do our absolute best to explain life to our children, and that includes natural consequences which we'll do best to explain ahead of the events and consule, love, and bring light to their world after bad things happen.

It's hard for me to not be in agreement with other parents, especially my friends, but I also realize that God has shown us a lot in life through things. One piece of it is the fact that we don't have full control over Emma or even our own lives. what other parents do is what they have the option to do, even if we are not on the same page.

A jack of all trades, master of none.

If there is one thing that seems to have nagged me most of my life it is this idea that I am a jack of many things. Most of the time I see this as a gift, the ability to look at situations and address them somehow, even when I have very little expierence or knowledge of the issue at hand. Overall this gift has been an amazing thing to get me through life.

On the other hand I struggle with the fact that I'm really not a master of anything, that I'm pretty mediocre in many of the things I do. The only area where I feel like I'm an expert is in the IT field, which I'm glad that's where I work :). I know that this sounds critical, and that most of these feelings are distractions from the enemy to knock me off course. In the end though there areas that I would like to grow in, places in my life where I need a master, someone whose been there and focused their goals.

I'm willing to guess that their are others like me, not satisfied with the mediocre, desiring more of God, more of Him so they may grow in confidence and excellence. All at the same time, I must remember to hold onto His grace, realize that in a full schedule such as mine, it's the heart which God looks at, He addresses and He takes pride in. It's all about balance.

Christians give me heartburn

The inspiration for this, this morning is John 17 (the whole chapter) - Jesus' heart was and is for unity between believer, and if you read the rest of the Gospels you'll find that thread of truth for interacting with all people.

So if there is one thing that comes to my mind over and over, when concerning the Church, it's what Christians say and do. Often I read or hear Christians saying simply mean things about others, weather it's some snarky remark about a politician, or complaining about a pastor, and everything in between. While I know Jesus certainly criticized the religious leaders in his day, he was also God, we are not, and I don't believe the apostles went around (in a mean and critical spirit) poking at the Christian leaders in the early Church (nor really the government).

The thing is, we will fail at this, we'll slip up and koin our co-workers in this stuff, we'll get into our little Christian ghetto huddles and mock people. We lean on his grace in these situations, and the funny thing is that most of the people outside the Church have far more grace for these slip ups than us in the Church.

So we need to have an attitude of change, to apoligize, and to seek God's heart for all. Of course we have the right to question, critique, and correct - within the bounds of a loving heart.

Christians give me heartburn

The inspiration for this, this morning is John 17 (the whole chapter) - Jesus' heart was and is for unity between believer, and if you read the rest of the Gospels you'll find that thread of truth for interacting with all people.

So if there is one thing that comes to my mind over and over, when concerning the Church, it's what Christians say and do. Often I read or hear Christians saying simply mean things about others, weather it's some snarky remark about a politician, or complaining about a pastor, and everything in between. While I know Jesus certainly criticized the religious leaders in his day, he was also God, we are not, and I don't believe the apostles went around (in a mean and critical spirit) poking at the Christian leaders in the early Church (nor really the government).

The thing is, we will fail at this, we'll slip up and koin our co-workers in this stuff, we'll get into our little Christian ghetto huddles and mock people. We lean on his grace in these situations, and the funny thing is that most of the people outside the Church have far more grace for these slip ups than us in the Church.

So we need to have an attitude of change, to apoligize, and to seek God's heart for all. Of course we have the right to question, critique, and correct - within the bounds of a loving heart.

Serving in Poland

So what may serving in Poland look like?

The first thing it will look like is mentorship, coming alongside the christians we know and partnering with them to fufill God's dreams, promises, and build them up in their identity with Christ.

The second thing serving may look like is befriending our neighbors, our language school peers, and any other people of constant touch and letting them know the God we serve.

The third way we might serve is in with the currently established churches, small groups, and even with catholic groups (God willing) and pitching in wherever our visions and missions are similar.

That's pretty much it in a nutshell, it's about 10 plus years of ideas, the next ten is "going out"... we'll talk about that when we're ready to cross that bridge.

One of those days

Today was "one of those days" a day where your thoughts are filled with everything except the task at hand. My thoughts were consumed by how to "make right" the stupidity I expressed to Alexis yesterday evening. Which I am reminded I can't "make it right" I can only do the right thing. So I find myself very humbled and in God's grace - again.

I have a lot to learn in this area but I think this is one of the biggest lessons. The bottom line to the conflict is my inability to manage some of the differences we have in organization, and the underlying frustration caused by it. I love her more than the problem, so why do I get so frustrated by the problem? It's hard for me to identify any "fears" or any causes other than "I don't like it".

In the end I believe I need to let God address each thing on its own - as I feel any level of frustration, as I notice things, I need to take it to him and move acccordingly - and deny my fleshly thought of "it's not fair".

View of Seattle from a ferry

Gotta love this city. We are on our way to Alexis' cousin's wedding... really late. But it's beautiful.

I hate money!

It seems that the only time I have to write on here, that wouldn't be taking away from something more important is when I'm on the MAX (Protlands light rail). The past months have been full of a lot of preasure, after $1200 in dental bills and someother misc unexpected costs our savings is drained, and the pay cut I took at my new job is painfull. However I would not trade this job for my old one, a place with vision and growth is amazing.
However the reality that we are always short and the idea of buying a place build up to preasure that is far beyond any financial whole I have ever been in. It's not that we are starving, but when the gas in the cars run out and I know there isn't any money to fill it, things in my head begin to freak out.

God's hand has always been on our finances, and we always live through this, but for whatever reason this season is amounting to more than I can handle. Add on top of the finances everything else we do, which are very fufilling but with our own concerns we are drained. We've begun cutting some things from our schedule, which is frustrating but good. Our budget is cut down to the last penny, so I 'spose our time will be too.

In the end I'm really feeling attacked on the financial side. We made all the "right" choices, had a very good savings, we were paying everything and saving even on the new salary. Then it seems everything hit us at once - and now our extra bills are higher then what we were putting into savings. The math doesn't work. God has shown us over and over this kind of math, and he has always made it work. This just hasn't happened in our personal finances, just on our mission trips.

And then over the weekend we got a notice from the IRS To audit our 2007 taxes. I'm afraid that because of not knowing we would receive a 1099 that year on our missions contributions we will end up paying taxes on it, even though we have all the invoices for traveling - it doesn't matter because the missions org we went through does not tell us how to use the money - they are only a clearing house for the funds and it's up to us to spend it and pay taxes on it. This is the last straw for me. I'm burnt out about the money.

Along with all of that is tons and tons of paper work. Now I know there will be comments on this, just please know that I am fully aware of what God can do. So this written because I'm simply processing it, not because I don't know what to do. I am waiting on the Lord and fighting the enemy's lies. The feelings and fight are intense though but thankfully my security is knowing God's character - and I pray that I'll be able to post how God took care of it all and show everyone his love and glory, and encourage others to trust in him!

The following has been written on the go from my phone, please excuse typos, spelling, and grammar.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about what "outreach" or "evangelism" looks like, mostly what it looks like here in my current world (the Poland stuff is eventually on it's way, but we're forced to lean on God for that). Here we (believers from here) are able to move around fairly well without leaning on God for much. Our basic needs are easily met, and most of all we "fit" and understand what's going on around us.

So with that said, how do we be relavent, "seeker sensitive", and Jesus focused? Firstly I don't think we need to be sensitive to "seekers" as long as we are being and doing what Jesus highlighted - grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love. A seeker is going to be attracted to that, that's what draws most people to Jesus. I believe we can utilize media, web, etc but we should not be attempting to mimic the secular media just because it "works" for them. I seriously grieve at things like "god tube" and facebook style sites for "christians", the heart is good, but the segregation is what will kill the church. Jesus didn't tell the disciples to huddle and segregate, nope, he said go, into the world and make disciples.

And then we have the other side of the spectrum, the ultra sensitive. The ones that sometimes are almost no different looking in their life then anyone else, except for maybe a tatoo or a few less beers when with their peeps. This side does a better job at relating with all people, and accepting people too. Yet, in my observance the desire to be approved and accepted by all, often leads to violations of the truth and when hard times come, the power of God lacks in being the driving force behind decisions.

There ought to be a happy medium, or should there? I myself am beginning to lean on a amazing concept - leaning on God's spirit in me to drive my relationships, decisions, and not ideals of some evangelistic "style". I'm in my infancy, and still struggle with whether or not I'll be accepted or rejected... which isn't mine nor yours to fear, but it's freeing. God actually knows what he's doing... imagine that.

So what are you going to lean on? Your own understanding? Or his? It's scary - but he is so graceful!

Totally weird dream

So I'm running late today, been more tired than normal, but we've been going to bed at decent times....

But I woke up after a very odd dream. I dreampt that I was (I think) driving from our house to a MAX station (light rail in Portland) that I don't normally use, even though it's closer - it doesn't have any parking. So in the dream I was going down the hill to this station, and I had someone with me who I don't know and didn't see their face. But this person said "oh, don't worry about catching that one" referring to the train we could see just in the distance. They proceeded to say "there is a type 4 right behind it, and in service not just testing!"... So this is the weird thing, "Type 4" is the new kind of MAX trains here in Portland, and so far they have only been testing them.

So we pulled up to the Ruby Junction station, and magically I was on the train - the person with me was gone, and I guess took my car too. I tried to find a seat but all the seats were taken, and no one was talking nor was there anyone else standing, and I felt that there was some unspoken rule that I couldn't stand either. I went to the front of the "train" and found a seat just behind the driver - which was like a bus configuration not a train.

I sat down only to realize the seat had very little space and I my knees were crammed up against the cusioned wall that separated the driver's area and the front-right seat. The "train" started to move and at first was on tracks - it stopped at the next stop, which was not E 181st, as normally the blue line is, it was some place else. Two ladies got on - but they boarded upfront just like on a bus. They stood in the stairway and started taling to the driver in broken english, then the driver started talking to them in Polish!

I was then able to reach under my seat and adjust it, and slide it back so I fit right, somehow this didn't bother the people behind me. As I listened to the driver and ladies I was able to follow the conversation just enough to realize they were looking for a dog. The dog was somewhere SE of whereever we were.

Then I looked out the front of the window and thought to myself "I don't think were're in Portland anymore". Because when I looked out I saw that we were on what looked like a rural Polish highway. And the driver was driving like it. We went around a bend to the right -- and I woke up.

Any dream interpreters?

Sexaholism...Another one from the tracks

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I'll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of "on-demand" pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of wich still continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just couldn't get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The "friend" from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desireing all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desireing the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20 I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15 the "friend" finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago... but I'll have to write that tomorrow - Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

In the beginning -there was sex and more

So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due mechanical issues on the train ahead of us - I'll write something. I'm writing this from my phone and so expect some gramar and spelling issues.

Following up on yesterday's post I want to go deeper into the why behind the first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?

I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless sex simply wasn't talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational "sex education" as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturaly ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.

Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God's small voice and the fact that it didn't feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me and all of so much more than just someone's personal pleasure servant.

Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my "friends", I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance.

The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This "friend" would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.

Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened - he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he "invited" me to a lakefront cabin.

Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God's presence... This is the significant difference that I now am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It would take over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.

Living life with intentionally, from my observations, seems to be something that our culture doesn't observe. Many people want to live from one thing to another, allowing anything that comes up and is "more fun", "a better oppurtunity", or simply "feels better" to trump their ccommitments. I totally understand tat things come up in life that are more important then our standing commitments... but a pattern of ever changing plans brings up red flags for me.

I know very few people that have true standing priorities that they have scheduled and actually protect from being trumped over. Maybe this is simply my generation, but I seem to notice it across generations.

Along these lines are the people in church who participate in the big events, or help out in the more "up front" places yet always have something else when they are not involved. There seems to be an entire group of people who are not intentional about their time, relationships, nor their spoken "commitments".

I bring these things up because in my "humanness" I get tired of "always" being the person who is "there" no matter what. I hear other people say "oh yes I'm commited" but then they seem to always the next best oppurtunity for things in life that are more fufilling for them. It's this scenario that drains people. I believe that God will let things die for a purpose (thankfully nothing is dieing in this case), and those things are usually obvious.

So, in the end I know that I'm in the right place, I need to be more intentional about speaking my expectations - and at the same time I think we need to look at being more intent about who we are as a Church. The sad thing is I see people at work more intentional and commited to the company then many people are to the church.

Now I think some people may read this as judgment but that is the furthest from the truth. My heart is for the health of our Church (the whole church, not just the little piece I'm involved with - read: my "local" church) and the health of my brothers and sisters. We need to be motivated to serve others and not just wjat "I" feel like.

Just some thoughts from the ride home.

So called limits

It seems that we can easily get stuck into daily patterns leaving us feeling stuck. Lately I've been trying to think of things that are cheap or free and that don't require a lot planning. As long as the weather cooperates I think it can be done.

Portland actually has a huge number of parks and big ones too. I think it's time to finally enjoy some of them, with the family and with friends. There's also some great places for hiking that are close, and don't take much time to do.... Some thoughts.

Just get me out of the same grind and out of the house. But gotta find things to do indoors as well, maybe I'll figure that out on the way home. Yes - I went into work late today.

How we are loved

I'm speaking on the second part of a three week series at The Forge - our young adults group. The series is about identifying ourselves as children of God and what that really means. In studying I found three pieces of what a child of God can depend on - you are saved, you are loved, and you are annointed.

Last week was about what being "saved" is all about, not just the initial event but the continual gifts of grace that we encounter every day.

This coming week we'll be focusing on love, and what it means to be loved by the creator, the one who was, is, and is to come. The unconditional love that we can depend on, and why.

The last part is on the annointing, how God equips us for doing things that are supernatural. How he desires us to walk in confident faith, and how our free will ties into all of it.

Personally this all comes out of what God is showing me more and more. That as long as I obey him, put my faith in him, he does amazing, unthinkable things through me and I know the same can be true for anyone - that is my heart - to share this truth with every believer.

Any conflict, problem, recession, relational issue can be miraculously changed to reflect his glory. It may hurt a bit, it may look very bad from the beginning, and yet enduring to the end always brings blessing and peace.

Portland morning

This is from my ride to work, just a little something.

Beer, wine, controversy.

I drink, and I like it. I like all kinds of beers, even though half the time I don't know the difference, and I admit I pretend to care to seem "in the know" but really I don't care. I like hard liquors too, and mixed drinks, oh, and wine too!

It's been a little while since I've written about anything controversial, so I thought why not an age old Christian culture taboo. You see, for me alcohol is something I could take or leave, not a biggy to me. It's true, just ask God, I've never been drunk, only once I felt like "hmmm, I feel it, that's enough". But in general the controversy around the issue in christian circles is, from my observation a bunch of hyper spiritualism that does more to divide then to love.

I'm incredibly thankful to have a church family that isn't hyper active over the issue. Instead our church is in tune with the needs of people and due to the stumbling factor (the general feeling in christian circles), pastors don't drink alcohol. We also have minitries to people who struggle with alcoholism, so it would be pretty difficult to help those folks out... not impossible but more difficult due to the perceptions people have mixing church leadership and alcohol. Sure it would be nice to live in an understanding world, but we don't - move to europe.

Anyway, all that to say, are we going to love first and force our convictions on others or are we going to love first and seek an encounter with God? Don't go watering down the truth though, and mimicking the world, or go about looking "good" - that's the same as dividing yourself. Instead, use the spirit God gave you to bring a new life to others right where they are, maybe even at a bar.

My nature

From time to time I feel like flying off to someplace where nobody else on the planet knows where I am nor are they able to get ahold of me. The only problem with this is that I know about 5 minutes into said disappearance I would miss my bride and daughter terribly.

So instead I come back to reality and focus on what I really love, what God is saying, and the amazing things that He has done, is doing, and will do. Which when I think about all that I am humbled and filled with excitement. I'm also content with everything because I don't need to worry, just obey and all is well, even if my nature wants to run.

We nearly had a house...

Alexis and I have been doing research for the past few months on home loans and on Friday came to the conclusion that we simply can't afford to buy our existing townhouse that we are renting. We love it and would but it if we wanted to spend close to half our take home pay in loan payments.... but as insane as we can be with life, that is something we just don't think is wise.

So we started looking for homes that we can afford, there actually are quite a few in the sub 200K range, many of them either short sales or foreclosures. We actually found an amazing deal on a 2600 sq ft 1971, fully renovated, split level, and we began to pursue it. Things were looking possible until today when I looked into the balance of our investments thinking "aw they couldn't be that bad"... oh they are - over 50% loss in value. So now we don't have the amount needed for our down payment. The cool thing is that if you're buying a house this year (before the end of Dec '09) there is an $8,000 tax credit. So even if we borrow from family we need we can reimburse by tax return time next year.

This is disapointing but we know it means that God has something more perfect for us. Something that will propell us into our ministry in Poland even better than we thought. Because we know this we can actually be excited.

It's overwhelming and stressing and still we have a hope that is unexplained. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. We know the provision will come in, always has.